Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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