I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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