it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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