I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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