Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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