someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
