I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Randomize
