U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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