Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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