I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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