Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
