just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
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