My sheets look like a crime scene.
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
