i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
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