Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
