so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
