I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
