Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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