youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
