I'm passing your future prison.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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