Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Randomize
