he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
