Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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