Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
