It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
My penis needs a shock collar
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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