Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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