thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
