dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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