Your face is a jimmy john
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
