this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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