If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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