Yo dont text me then not text me
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
