woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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