There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
