My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Randomize
