I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
