dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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