the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You need a sexual gate keeper
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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