dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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