I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
