Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
