I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
