I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize