Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
