i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
