Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
