I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
It was like getting head from an anaconda
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
