Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
two words: eviction party
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
