I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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