saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
