I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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