i don't like sucking hair
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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