I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Randomize
