Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
