my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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