I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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