maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
